June 11, 2008

After the heat, the rain came pouring down for days. At times it would come down intense, with thunder and lightening, at times just soft and sprinkling. It seemed to cool me down for a bit, but the humidity would come back stronger than before.

It relates to my relationship in many ways – sometimes we seem to not get enough of each other, sometimes we don’t want to be in the same room as each other, and sometimes it’s just so-so, just getting by, day to day, which is boring, but sometimes, that’s life.

I wish my relationship was exciting and intimate and sexy all the time – I wish it was a rush of me and him, him and I, 24/7. That feeling you get when you first meet somebody, that feeling of butterflies and flirting, and feeling hot for him all the time. The way a girl shows off a bit when she first meets a guy, laughing a little louder, thrusting her breasts out a little further – sometimes I want that all the time.

And it’s so cliche isn’t it? Enter a kid, a dog, a house, a life together, and the passion retreats just a bit, sometimes a large bit, but in my case it’s a small-medium bit. My boyfriend works an awful lot as well, for instance, today he left the house around 7 am, and he’s hopefully going to be back by 9 pm. He’s always tired.

But sometimes I’m left to wonder, are these all just excuses?

Successful couples learn to deal with each others issues, problems, and learn to live together somewhat synchronized albeit in a repetitive semi-bored state, right? It’s like a machine that’s well-oiled. And everyone else is what? Unsuccessful? Meaning that their relationship will eventually dissipate? Do “successful” couples even exist?

Kids, dogs, work, and other issues in relationships should NOT be excuses as to why a relationship is slowing down or losing its passion. They shouldn’t be – but we let it happen to ourselves all the time. Are we self-sabotaging ourselves? Why do we let this happen?

I have to say though, there are times where I don’t feel entirely connected to him, I feel like we are more a mom & dad both working at keeping the world turning consistently and boring, working hard and living life. But there are times….

When he comes home from work at 9 pm to find me all dolled up and ready to go out, and, instead of hanging his head and whining about a hard days work, he gets dressed and cleaned up, and takes me out for a light night snack. A couple of glasses of wine.

And then we make love so passionately, so intensely, that I forget any feeling of disconnect I could have had.

Maybe that’s what makes a relationship work. Those special nights of passion intertwined with the blandness of life. Just to keep things interesting.

Settling Down

June 4, 2008

It’s a windy day today, blowing around leaves and garden clippings, random pieces of garbage, and I watched them all swirl together in the middle of the street for the longest time. And then it just settled. I noticed the wind picked up almost a block down the street and more leaves and garbage swirled around. And then it settled again. And the wind was on its way to find something else.

It made me think of settling down in life, settling for what you can get or holding out for what you really want. Does the wind of life pick you up, swirl you around, then drops you and moves on to the next?

I know where I want to go. I know where I want to be. It’s the ‘how I’m going to get there’ that I haven’t quite figured out yet – and probably never will. I find planning and strategizing on how to get your dreams never pans out in the end anyway, things change, plans will change, but as long as the goal is a constant star on your horizon, I believe you will get there. Eventually. It’s bound to happen, right?

A lot of my friends are settling down around me. Getting married, having babies, buying houses – this is the progression of life, it’s what happens when you grow up. But why does it seem that does who have settled down get consumed by this life?  Everytime you talk to them it’s about weddings, babies, houses. There’s whole conversations I can’t have with these people because they will stare at me blankly until I am done, then go on to tell me something cute their dog has done.

My other group of friends are like the swirling wind, never stopping or slowing down, going from one party to the next, from one guy to another, and never ever touching the ground. They live this exciting life and they know everything that’s hot, what’s not, and what’s new before anyone else does. When I’m with these people I get wrapped up in their world, I forget about everything else in my life for a mere second and I start thinking and acting like them – but the second passes and my kid starts tugging on my shirt so I can colour with her.

I’m in between the settled and not settled.

I have found a boyfriend, I have a baby girl, I even have a dog (who’s more of an accessory than anything else), we’re moving into a cute loft downtown – and looking at this little list of things I’ve done, it certainly seems like I’ve settled down.

But I really haven’t.

My heart is still moving, we love to travel, we want to move everywhere and do everything – yet I live in the fear that one day I’m going to end up like all the rest of the ‘settled downs’, getting overly excited about dog and baby poop, and proclaiming my love for a new window cleaner at a cocktail party. Yes, this is the world of the settled’s. If you’ve never entered it, run while you still can.

When does your life and your interests cease to exist because you’ve created a new life with a family? Why does it happen to 8 out of 10 people it seems like? It’s almost a trap and because of this trap I understand why there’s so many commitment phobic beings running around this world. There is seemingly no happy medium that’s broadcast to these people.

It’s either:

a) Get married, have children, buy a house, have a pet, make dinner every night, go to work everyday, yardwork on sunday’s, bbq’s on saturdays, children’s birthday parties, et al.

b) Stay single, party every night, work if you have to, go shopping, go out to eat or don’t eat at all just drink!, travel, no responsibilities except making sure no one steals your shoes/purse, et al.

What about c?

c) Find the one you love, perhaps have his baby, maybe get a pet if you want one, find a home together, continue to date each other when you can, go to new restaurants, go to cocktail parties, go to fun events with the baby, continue to travel, continue to work, and just remain blissfully happy.

I choose C.